Try this if you feel let down by someone

Have you ever had that feeling that you aren’t getting something from someone else that you would like?

It maybe appreciation. They didn’t say thank you or seem to value what you do for them.

Perhaps they don’t notice something you worked incredibly hard for. You can’t remember the last time someone told you they are proud of what you did.

Your peers at work or perhaps your child don’t offer the respect you would like. They question you, push back or don’t listen to your requests.

Or it maybe love. You are feeling alone, abandoned, or rejected.

At times like this it can feel pretty crap.

The isolation and feeling alone may creep in over time. The negative talk; either aimed at yourself… or aimed at the other person and how they are or are not being.
This may lead to you feeling angry, worthless, hopeless or helpless.

I have been there… and it felt rubbish.

From this place of feeling rubbish, your brain can try to mobilise you into action…

‘How can I get the other person to give me those things so I don’t feel like this anymore?’ may be your unconscious thought. 

It is common that we revert to nagging. Or to start to criticise the other person.

We want them to understand how we feel. How things look to us from our side of the fence.

These strategies can often have the opposite effect to the one we are seeking. It can lead to further disconnect between you both.

For example, hungering for love often comes across as overwhelming to another person, they feel they are now obligated to step up. Which in turn skews the dynamic of an adult interpersonal relationship… they are now ‘responsible’ for your feeling of love and that kills the passion and romance…

The result is they likely will back off and create further distance.

In other words, our go-to strategy may actually lead to a negative response, be it an argument or perhaps you get ignored further, making the problem even bigger and ramping up the emotional pain you feel.

So what can we do that may be more helpful?

In this blog I want to offer another perspective and another approach you can try.

Step 1.

Asking yourself what is it you need?

Under many of our strong emotional drivers there is a need that is not being met.

Reflect and dig deep into what is it I am wanting? It is much easier for someone to meet the need if you can give them a clear picture of what it is you really are wanting, what your need is. You also need to be clear on specifically how you would like that need to be met.

Step 2.

The next is to ask yourself, where in my life am I doing the very thing you are seeking from another?

A quirk in our human-ing is that often the very thing we are seeking from another is the thing we also deny in our self.

Either in relations to others AND to ourselves.

If you are yearning for love, where are you showing up with a lack of love in your life?

Where are you not meeting yourself with love? Are you abandoning your own values or needs in order to gain approval or get closer to someone else?

The same can be true of respect and boundaries.

If it is someone else you show love to, are you expressing love in the way the other person likes to receive it? If the other person love language is different to yours then they may feel you aren’t showing them love (see Love Languages for more details).

If you would like your colleagues to acknowledge your work and say well done a bit more, how much encouragement are you giving them? Or others in your life? Do you validate their efforts and recognise their achievements? Do you celebrate their wins with them? 

Do you celebrate your own wins? Are you proud of what you have achieved and share it with others?

If you recognise this may be a pattern for you, how does that feel for you? What is your reaction to it? What thoughts run through your head?

Does it make you shudder… the thought of showing yourself some love and compassion… or congratulating yourself? How good are your boundaries and showing yourself and body respect.?

Or are you grateful for recognising it, and excited to be able to make a change to the pattern?

The great news is, if you want to change the pattern, it is within your control and power to shift…now you can ‘see’ it, get creative about how you can alter the pattern.

Step 3.

Once you have recognised what it is you are missing, it is helpful to take a balanced look at where you meet that need for yourself and where others meet it for you. Depending what it is, a good gauge is to achieve a 50/50 split between meeting our own needs and it being reciprocated in others. How balanced is that split for you?

Often when we are resentful of not having a need met, it can be we are neglecting our self in the same way.
Start to notice the ways in which you are not giving yourself the thing you seek. Is there anywhere in your life that your levels of this thing are ‘leaking’ out and not being topped up? How could you plug those gaps?

Turning your attention to your relations with others, you may choose to dig deep and start giving to others what you are wanting yourself. (But remember what you seek may not be the same as someone else. So, it is a good idea to start the conversation, what is important to them? )

The chances are, if you are feeling a disconnect and discord, they may well be sensing it too.
Ask them if there is anything they would like more of something? People asking us what we need can be an alien concept for some. And so you may be met with the answer ‘I don’t know’ or they haven’t thought about it.

But you may also find that there has been something they have been dwelling on too but haven’t yet brought up.

You may be surprised to realise that they another person also feels they aren’t getting that very thing too.

We are in fact mirrors of each other’s experience. This realisation can also be incredibly healing. As it brings you together as common ground you both have.

To summarise:

• What is the need driving your feelings and thoughts?

• Are you giving 50% of that need to yourself? Or are you abandoning your own needs?

• What ways are you ensuring your own need is being met, by you and by others?

• Are you giving what you want to other people around you?

• What would help the other person have their need met?

• How can the other person meet your need?

• Get specific, what does that look like? What will you be hearing? What will you both be doing though actions? How will that leave you feeling?

A key element of all of this is to connect from your heart.

Connecting with others, caring about the outcome and working together to achieve that will flow more easily and give you better results if you connect through your hearts, together. If we only use our rational, logical head-based thoughts, the connectedness can be lost and slip in to the Me versus You mindset, rather than We.

In this blog I have written about connecting with others to help meet our needs. If you noticed that you are also ignoring your own needs, then look out for another blog on this topic where I will give tips on how we can start to look inward and notice the ways we may not be meeting our own needs and how we can start to do that if it is something we are not used to doing.