isn’t trauma just the ‘big’ stuff?

Isn’t trauma just the 'big' stuff..?

It only effects war veterans, victims of physical abuse or natural disasters?

This is a common myth.

It isn’t just the ‘big’ stuff that can impact us long term.

Something that overwhelms our capacity to cope is traumatic. Trauma isn’t defined by what happened, rather it is how it feels and how we view ourselves within it. It is how it was experienced by you.

These can be microtraumas, such as feeling rejected when on Monday morning your colleagues are talking about a night out they had together at the weekend and you weren’t invited. It reminds you of not getting the invitation to a birthday party when most of the class were going.

Or it can be more obvious, stressful events, such as being bullied or going through a divorce.

Or going through multiple lockdowns and a pandemic.

As a child, when your parents or primary caregiver are preoccupied, distracted, who aren’t mentally or emotionally present with you, you can be left feeling isolated and un-loveable.

These moments can leave an imprint of trauma on us.

Is it just how we feel about what happened then?

A traumatic experience goes deeper than just our psychology.

Our mind and body are one system. What impacts one will have an impact on the other. A traumatic experience therefore impacts and can alter us on a neurological level. It changes how our brains develop and how the connections are wired.

The danger or threat we felt to our safety or survival gets imbedded in the part of our memory that allows us to access it without cognitive thought or awareness. We react from a deeper sense than what we consciously are aware of. It is after the event has activated our triggers that we start to become more consciously aware of it.

It is worth highlighting that our brains evolved in this way millions of years ago. The things that stressed us when we first evolved were very different to those of today in our modern lives. But our brain doesn’t filter and recognise the difference between the real life threat of being chased by a sabre tooth tiger or the threat of your boss shouting at you in your appraisal.

To the primitive, alarm system of our brain that perceives threat, they are one and the same.

So when does a traumatic experience become a trauma that impacts after the event?

A traumatic experience becomes trauma, or a wound, when it becomes stuck within our nervous system.

There is a process to releasing stress and overwhelming feelings.

Like a wave rising, cresting, and then subsiding.

If this doesn’t happen then the energy stays within our system (aka body).

The landmark ACES study showed that trauma has been linked to being more prone to a number of different health conditions; such as heart attack, stroke, obesity, diabetes, cancer. It also impacts your mental health, which can lead to depression, anxiety and cPTSD /PTSD.

So what can we do to reduce the likelihood of a traumatic experience becoming a trauma?

As a social species, we are meant to be connected with others. To have others to turn to. To seek out and have support.

As an infant we are helpless and rely on our caregivers to look after us and keep us safe. This is why having a caregiver who isn’t attuned to us, our needs and isn’t responsive when we cry out is traumatic for an infant or child.

It doesn’t feel safe, and the perceived threat of you being in potential danger is very real if you are a baby who is helpless.

When we are born our neural network is not yet fully formed. Infants do not have the necessary ‘wiring’ to self sooth and calm themselves yet. They rely on their caregiver to sooth them and help them come back to a regulated and physiological state.

This is called co-regulation and is the foundations of how we learn to sooth and calm our self later in life. It also the framework from which part of our nervous system, called the ventral vagal nerve, builds upon as we grow.

Having support through the traumatic event is something that can significantly reduce the impact of the traumatic experience .

Being shown empathy and compassion.

Someone sitting with us and listening- being heard and seen in our distress. That it was indeed an unpleasant and scary experience.

It is also physical support. Being held, having a hug or through touch.

Another role of the caregiver as a child grows is to help us make sense and meaning of what happened.
They support us in gaining a narrative to the story of what we went through. (Something that we can’t do with infants in the same way). As an adult, we can give a broader view and add context to the situation. If there was an incident where a small child was knocked over in the park by a dog, the adult can ask what happened and help the child piece together the various parts of the story. You can empathise, that that must have been scary at the time. And then in discussing the circumstances, you can discuss if this is typical of all dogs. That the dog was chasing a ball and what part that had in the scenario. Has anything like this happened before at the park?

Through all this the experience is validated. A framework and context is put around it.

and You aren’t alone.

You may notice from the list of common ways people can get traumatised is the fact they were alone after the event.

Talking about what happened, sharing it with our ‘tribe’ is, I believe, an innate human need. It allows us to warn others of the dangers as well as process it for our self.

In telling someone else close to us, it allows us to fully process what happened. To file it correctly in our brains with a date and time stamp.

That it is over. And we are okay. We survived and are now safe.

One main influence in how we process is our capacity and ability to tolerate our emotions. To be able to recognise what we feel and to respond to them. Being able to self regulate our emotions and inner state, as well as the ability to reach out and speak to others is fundamental. How comfortable we feel with showing our vulnerability and share with a trusted person often goes hand in hand with this.

Stuffing it all down…numbing it by distracting ourselves… distancing our self from how we feel….putting it on to the ‘don’t go there’, ‘keep hidden’ pile, can all increase the chances of a ‘wound’ not healing properly.

This is something, particularly in our British culture, you may have been taught to do. The stiff British upper lip, that to show emotion is weakness and you mustn’t burden others with how you feel.

These beliefs can influence your emotional wellbeing, and physical wellbeing, as well as your relationships in the long term.

If this is something that you struggle with, the good news is, we can learn at any point in our life to improve how we feel, to be able process emotions, to express, as well as sooth, challenging emotions in a healthy way.

This is one of the areas we focus on when I work with clients. Doing so increases your levels of resilience, reduces the chances of being re-traumatised and improves your emotional wellbeing as well as the over all quality of life.