Why are our relationships the first to suffer?

The last year has been quite a year…

It has tested our resolve and our resilience. Your usual coping strategies may have been under strain. If what we usually do to sooth or distract our self isn’t available due to being locked down or if your strategies stopped being as effective, you may have had to use less healthy ways of coping. This can then piles on the pressure rather than releasing it.

I have noticed that any small cracks that may have been there before 2020 were suddenly under the pressure as they split open to expose any raw emotions, unhealed wounds from the past or simmering resentments that were under the surface.

When we are under pressure or stressed, it tips us out of sense of being ‘safe’ and our warning system of our nervous system is triggered.
In this state we are in survival mode, getting back to being safe is our priority.

This may sound odd and you wonder ‘but I do feel safe’?

Our reaction that sends us in to a survival response are automatic.
It is not a conscious choice we make.

If you are not used to checking in on a deeper level, we can miss the messages our nervous system is sending us.

Mindfulness and meditation can help us to take notice and reconnect with our body sensations.

As social beings, other people will be able to sense we are out of sorts and become wary. Our behaviour may be short and snappy. Or even aggressive.

This is the reason our relationships are the first to show the strain.

If someone you know or you have tipped into survival mode you might:

- Avoid other people and become more reclusive

- Not want to show have or show physical affection

- Lack compassion for self or others

- Avoiding someone or something, for example not replying to an email or message

-Leaving the room in the middle of a conversation or ending a conversation early

-Being irritable, crotchety or angry

-Being argumentative or difficult expressing your thoughts clearly

When we are interacting with people around us from this head space it is easy to see why relationships become strained. All these things create space and distance, either physically or emotionally, between the person and others.

We cannot connect with someone on a deeper personal level.

For us to be able to be playful, to be light-hearted and have fun we need to feel relaxed, at ease and safe.

Another sign we have been tipped in to our survival state your self-esteem or self-worth has dropped.

You can’t think straight or have a balanced view or perception.

It can also lead to feelings of hopelessness, hope or optimism of the future.

Indeed, we are likely to be very stuck in the present or past and unable to see or plan for a future.

In these moments we are in survival mode and doing what we can to protect ourselves.

If this is showing up for you in your life and you are noticing it is impacting you or those around you, having awareness is the first step.

Check in with yourself what things you could be doing to reduce your stress levels. If you have got to the point where you cant see the wood for the trees, then now may be the time to reach out and speak to someone who can help.

If you would like to discuss how coaching can help, I offer a free discovery call and can discuss what steps you can take to move forward.

Get in touch by emailing at lydia@amethyst-coaching.co.uk