How to identify your needs
We all have needs. It is a basic human, well.. need!
So, what if you feel you give a lot to the other person but not much comes back?
Or you feel like you keep asking for what you need rather than it being offered?
You assume that because you give to others, they will know what to give to you too.
Resentment can start to creep in as you can feel used or taken for granted. You see the other person as self-centred and entitled.
The same is true if you are not used to asking for what you need. You manage to meet all your own needs. It may be at times you are resentful of demands being made on you.
You can see from both sides how resentment can grow, and the pattern ensues.
But the reality is, in order for us to give and receive in equal measure, we must first be comfortable to both receive and give in equal measure to our self.
And that’s if you know what it is you need!
A healthy relationship should be an interdependent one.
This mean that there is You, Me and a We. You are each individuals in your own right with your own values, beliefs and interests and our image of self is not attached to the other person. When you come together You and Me make We sharing some common values, aspirations and interests.
You are able to connect in a meaningful way with the other person whilst still maintaining your sense of self. Both people can flow between being apart without anxiety and coming together again with interconnection, presence and emotional intimacy.
As a rule of thumb to cultivate healthy, balanced interdependent relationships we should be able to meet our own needs 50% of the time.
It is healthy to seek and gain support from others who are able to meet our needs up to the other 50% of the time. This adds to the depth of meaning to an emotionally intimate relationship.
If we grew up with caregivers that for their own reasons couldn’t meet our needs we may have a belief that we are too much or needy.
Or the belief that it is easier to rely on your self and you have no need for others.
If you recognise these beliefs in yourself, or if you or your partner struggles with being emotionally available or present you may find it helpful to work with a professional such as a therapist or coach to support you through this process.
In order for us to be able to give and take, we first must be able to recognise what it is we need.
If you aren’t quite clear yet on what you need here are a list of emotional needs many people relate to. Which resonate with you?
-To be listened to and understood
- To be nurtured
-To be shown empathy & compassion
-To be appreciated and receiving admiration- receiving compliments and being thanked
-To be valued
-To be accepted
-To receive and give affection- through being told ‘I love you’, the written word, through touch, holding hands and cuddling
-To receive love
- To have companionship
-To be respected and support self esteem
For the next set of needs, notice which are the most important to you and which are least important to you.
If you are in a relationship you can compare both lists with your partner’s.
This can be a good conversation starter for what you need and how specifically someone can meet that need.
If you are single it will give you a good insight into what matters to you when you meet someone and are considering a new relationship.
-Security & certainty- physical and emotional/psychological, no ambiguity
-Authenticity- being able to be yourself
-Autonomy- having space just for you
-Togetherness- doing things together, spending time with each other
-Honesty and openness- act with integrity
-Trust- both parties flex and compromise equally, not controlling or manipulative
-Family Commitment- to children, extended family, sharing responsibilities, care and duties
-Physical attraction- self-care, weight, hygiene, clothing/style
-Financial support & aligned values
-Sexual fulfilment- being sexually close, respectful, caring, balanced and reciprocal
-Life Goals- aspirations, dreams, growth, personal development.
-Supporting Career- show support and interest in
-Shared Interests & Hobbies
-Domestic Duties -sharing shopping, preparing meals, washing dishes, doing laundry, house cleaning
-Intimate conversation-be present physically and mentally. Ask and answer questions about each others present and future plans, discussing topics of mutual interest, willingness to listen to each other, to both give and receive attention.
When asking for your needs to be met, we need to be very specific.
Saying ‘I need you to cuddle me’ isn’t enough.
Another person may think giving you a quick hug first thing is job done for the day!
You need to give details on how specifically they give you a cuddle.
-What sort of cuddle and for how long?
- Where?
-How often?
What if someone can’t meet my needs?
It is worth noting that no-one is able to meet all our needs all of the time. Or at the time you are asking.
It is reasonable that the other person isn’t able to meet it at the moment for you. Could they arrange another time to be present with you?
Again, ask or give the person specifics details of when and where you can be present. This can help to calm any feelings of anxiety.
If they can’t meet your need at all, then another option is to fill your own cup.
Ask yourself how you could meet that need in another way? What have you done before to fill your own cup? If this is new for you, this might be a starting point of exploration for you.
If someone not meeting your need brings up strong feelings for you, or if the other person is rarely able to meet your needs, then you may find it helpful to discuss it with a coach or therapist and find ways you can support yourself.