5 steps to relieve emotional suffering
In a recent post I wrote about recognising what we can and cannot control. I used the model of The Circle of Concern and Influence to recognise where our power lay and how to get unstuck.
But some may have been left with a feeling of resentment, frustration, sadness or even anger as to what to do with the feelings you had around the things you cannot control or influence. This blog speaks to this challenge and what you can do about it.
In supporting people to build emotional resilience and how to cultivate the ability to tolerate distressing feelings, the role of acceptance pops up at some point.
So today I wanted to speak to how we can lean in to accepting the way the thing are when we have no power over them.
Acceptance.
‘It is what it is’
Accepting things, or another person, for the way they are is not the same as approving of it.
It’s allowing reality to be as it is without the need to control or fix it. When we are able to do this it allows us to relinquish those draining and unpleasant feelings of blame, bitterness, anger and sadness that may be keeping your suffering alive.
It allows you to give yourself the gift of peace in that moment and alleviate our own suffering.
If you are ready to explore giving yourself this, the steps below will walk you through moving into accepting the way things are.
Step 1 Recognition.
Notice how you feel in your body. Any resistance you are holding on to. Notice the thoughts you are having. Especially around things such as something not being fair or just.
Step 2. ‘’It is the way it is’’
Acknowledging the reality. That it is the way it is and you cannot change it. This brings it front and centre in to your conscious awareness. And once we are aware of something, options and choices open up to us.
Step 3 Name it to tame it
Name the feelings you are having out loud. By saying ‘I notice I feel…..’ (rather than ‘I am…’ which moves you in to it becoming your identity). Naming your emotion is a strategy called Name it to tame it. By naming the feeling, you can recognise it is a feeling. A feeling you are experiencing, which in turn will allow some space around it. When we name our feeling, we engage another part of our brain which brings in balance. If you struggle with feeling engulfed by your feelings, this strategy can really help to lessen it. You are also honouring the feeling for being there, which is important. Shaming or blaming yourself for having the feeling will add to the feelings of distress. Accept the feelings for being there. Allowing your own experience to be seen and heard in that moment.
Step 4 Notice your body
Check in with how you are holding yourself. Our body language is linked to how we feel and vice versa. If you notice you are ‘holding on’ to tension in your body, consciously relax each muscle. Open up and relax the feelings of tension that are in your body. Take a deep breath in to you abdomen allowing your chest to open and expand. Release the out breath more slowly and visualise releasing the tension.
Step 5 Use your imagination
Imagine and visualise to yourself how things will be, how you will feel and what you will do when you release and let go. Accepting things as they are right now. To open yourself up instead of closing down or staying stuck. Connect to your heart in an act of kindness and self-care to yourself. Offer yourself self-compassion to allow yourself to alleviate any suffering you may feel. If you struggle to know what that feels like, imagine what you would say to a loved on or friend and speak to yourself in the same way.
Now take 3 deep breath, checking once more that you have opened up your posture whilst relaxing the muscles in your jaw, neck, shoulders, hands and legs. Ask yourself, what do you notice is different?
If you would like some support in developing emotional resilience so you have more inner peace and feel happier and calmer contact me to take advantage of my free, no obligation 30 minute session to find out how I can help you.